i need to think clearly.

i am a bit upset lately.
Days pass too fast, i am getting older every day, without any improvement.
I am counting the time i spend online, watching TV, or surfing websites.
Actually, i am not doing anything much.
i said i am busy, but i am not doing anything,
and how can i improve myself when i am not doing anything.
i am not studying and i am not noting cases.
i wonder what i am doing?

new month

i have finished one month of community medicine.
i thought i have plenty of time to do something this month, but one month has passed and i did nothing.
but i have plan for nov.
i will try not to use credit card this month.i will write 2 pages of chinese daily and i will read some thing, some disease daily
i go to triservice hospital cos i want to learn something.
that is my target and i will do my best to learn something.

i need to success

recently,i have more free time,but the time to go back to triservice hospital is near and sometimes i feel depress because of that.
but i need to think clearly what i want to do.
i must alert and i must know things that needed to be done
what are my strong points?
i am good at seeing overview.
i am good in presentations
i am good in making judgements
but i am not successful in first two months why?
i dare not to make decision
i am afraid to do procedures.

i am scare to offend others
i am sensitive about my accent
i lack the motivation
i am hurted by things not in my control.
so what can i do to overcome these
1.improve my chinese
2.meditation
3.work hard
4.read more books

meeting a psychologist

yesterday i attend a clinic teaching with psychiatrist,he is a a goodteacher
and his patients like him,but both of them weresuccessful,he is also emotionally wretched.
it give me insight to my condition,what other s think is not as important as what u think of yourself.
i am unhappy because i think poorly of my self.i don''t think i have a good life
that is the source of my unhappy
if i want to be happy first i must llearn to oroud of myself,happy with what i have..

2 months leaving after tai-an

it is two months after leaving tai-an.
I am under a lot of stress in tri-service hospital and under the weather.
i grew thin and even my parents felt sorry for me.
I have no personal life there.but a lot of people managed that.
but i hate no free time there.i thought about leaving many times. But i don't want to give up.
i want sometime for my self and think clearly. but upto now , i didn't do to.
i am watching a lot of movie and wasting my time.

Thinking of things

I am a thinker, i am always thinking things even though when i don't want to.
This month,i am in community service. But they sent us to a small clinic.
This is a way of making money between them, i can agree with that.
But what i hate is they are making us to listen to old timers.
70 yr old men, who have had a good time. But now are impossibly out of date. They have large ego. They have a lot to say.
And they want to talk, but we don't want to listen.
what a waste of time.

last day in 台安

After more than 2 yr of working , i leave 台安 today.
It was a good place, even though i don't like it much at first.
i have many friends there and people like me
the hospital even provide a place as VS for me, if i stay,
who will think that?
but now a new chapter in my life has started. i am a bit worried but also full of hope.
I think i will do well in tri service hospital
it seems a good place, not a lot of people like it. but who knows, it may be the best place for me.

new month, new step in life

Today is 2009/ AUG,/1. I said goodbye to friends and my little room in 台安 yesterday. Today i move all my things from my little room, and say goodbye.
i can't shake my mind from the pic of 婉玲 crying while looking at my back.
but anyway today is a busy day. i have to put my things in appropriate places of my house.now everything is settled.i am even a bit proud of myself to be able to managed these in a short space of time.
Tomorrow i have to go back to 台安 to finished everything.
One step in my life is over. a new step has began. But i know in my heart i will do very well in tri-service hospital.
we will see. I am anticipating a new beginning, a new life and a new hope.

i wake up with a desire to rent the house

Today i wake up and felt sudden impulse to call the house owner i meet yesterday and tell her that i want to rent the house.
But after consulting with i chin, i chin told me not to rent that, because i will be bound with bad people, it told me to wait for hostle, i will get a good place there, but i will have some difficulty.
Right now i can do nothing about it but wait
i can't help keep thinking, when i was in 台安 , 我占住宿舍步讓別人進來,現在有報應了 .

heavy burden

Today, I go out and find a room for rent, i took my hand bag with me. I knew it was heavy, but i thought i could bear it. But after the half day, dragging my bag with me, now i feel my shoulder aching.
On the way home, i thought about life.
I thought that all the things in bag are necessary, but looking back, except my purse, key and hand phone, I didn't use anything else in my bag.But i carried a heavy burden the whole evening.
I think this is a lesson for my life,
I am bringing a heavy burden along my life, but the things i am carrying are really not necessary for me.
I may not know what i am carrying or how heavy the load is, only after the day has ended, only then i feel how much painful my shoulder is.
I THINK IT IS TIME I PUT DOWN MY HEAVY BURDENS AND GO ON WITH A LIGHTER HEART

things i have been thinking

When i start this blog, i intend to use it as a diary,recording the things i don't want to forget,but i have not been doing this for awhile.
Things are changing in my life.
Everythings are happening so fast , also so little at the same time. Everyday I have a lot of things to do, but looking back , it looks like i have accomplish little.

here is the record of my life.

1976; i was born in taunggyi.
since young i was told i am bright, it was a happy childhood,but i have a lot of imagination, i will make things up, and think about as real. I dream a lot, but i am not sure what i want with my life. I was successful in school. Teachers love me. I have lots of friends, but i am selfish.
We don't have much money, i don't think we were poor.


1987; this was the year, Me and my brother were taken to live with my aunt. It was a year of nightmare.
We didn't have much money , but we were happy. We do as we like, moreover, we are loved. It was our home, no matter how small or big. But in MANDALAY, I and my brother live in a big house with lots of maid. But we are not treated as son and daughter of family. We were treated as burden. It was finished after one year. but i think it is a bad idea to let children live in relative house. I saw many incidence, it is not good for any one, not for the child,not for the relative who housed them. That is a lose -lose situation. One person never, ever should let a child live in a relative house,for what ever reason, At least not before 18.



1994
I Passed tenth std with flying colors.



1996 i attend medical school in IM 1


1996-1997
Ist and 2nd MB
these years were bad for me, i was away from home, i don't have a personal space, i don't have time, i am not happy, and i was controlled by a manipulative friend.



1998-2000
school were shut down for political reason, i was bored with nothing to do.i meet some friends, i am lonely and i have no close friends.


2001
go to taiwan for first time, work for a short while in a factory, for 21 days, get a glimpse of what working in factory mean, then work as a dentist assistant.
I was not happy in that job, i hate it, and there were lots of difficulty, I was a joke, but some people were good to me.It was suck to be a weakling.

2002-2005
go back to medical school.
i was known all over the school as smart, i have good friends,those years were good years. I have lots of good friends, and they are ready for me every time.


2006-2007
came to taiwan, start working in 安泰hospital, i was successful there.I finish USMLE step 2 ck and step 1 while working. I have friends, i have target and i earn some money by myself.



2007-2008
a year of nightmare.
even though i finished USMLE step 1 and 2 ck, i cannot sit 台灣國考because my documents are not verified.i try to apply for US visa, but was rejected 2 times.
i have friends in my work place, loved by nurses and my consultants. but i feel like a failure,i may have a mild form of depression in that year.


2009
i sat 台灣國考 and get 醫師執照, not only me , also two of my friends, who were together with me through these horrible times.i am very happy for a while. then things are starting to change.

today is
july , 4, 2009
i am standing at a cross-road.
i will be 33 in next month.
i will start working, training in a medical centre.
i will leave my friends behind and will have to face unknown.
in a way, i want to go, i like the challenge.
Only one thing that make me unhappy recently,is i feel too old, i am 33 and starting as R1, It is a blow to my self esteem.
But all in all,i am expecting the new step in my career.

my life

it has been a while since i am writing anything.
i have passed taiwan lisence exam , can be said with flying colors.
but it was in FEB where really clever people are not sitting the exam so it may not count. but a lot of people not know it.
it was very stressful to sit that exam, but i passed nevertheless.
i will like to record my life in chronological order.
i am already 33 now. i passed usmle step 1 and 2 ck very quickly, without much effort but i get lisence only after 2years. is that because i am having bad luck.
i don't know what is the best way to do ? should i stay in taian or go anywhere there are more money?
i can do a lot of things but i feel oppressed today.

i am studying

i have been studying alone for some time,time are short, and i can't find all the time to do the things all i want to do.It was difficult.
and i am thinking life is a one way train, you have to do something at that specific age. Once that age is passed and this is passed. it is the stage of like, it was like walking, for a baby, when it time to walk, u have to walk, when time to talk u have to talk.
that is what it is life all about.
so when u have cheated when u were younger, then u have wasted ur life. there.

new year day

this is the new year's eve on CHINESE CALENDER.one year passed and another year is coming.
But what did i accomplish this year.
1. I saved a tidy amount of money this year, not much, but i earned it all by myself.
2. I forced the secretary in THAILAND to signed my papers, not only mine, but also of the others.I am not sure whether any other people know it, but i know i did it.
and i swear my sister has the same smooth way as the others.Thinking back it was a real accomplishment from my parts. I made her trust me.
3. I get good friends and collegue in my work. Most of them like me. i have a reputation in my work.
4. I helped my nephew, and my brother some finicial burdens. I am supporting my family.It also is a good feeling.
5. a lot of people like me and love me.
6. it was a happy year.
and i decide to live the coming year in the same way , a happy and productive year.

my little room

it is 1;30 am in morning. and i am awake, i can't sleep.
i am looking at my room,where i spent more than one year of my life.
i got a very strange feeling , like i can't leave it.
it is not the first time i get the feeling. When i was in yangon, i got a room to myself, but that was not my home, but it was a space for me all the same.
when i went back to taunggyi, i love to be with my family, but i can't wait to leave either. i want my space back.
It was also the same in taiwan. when i was in tone-kan, i have a nice little room, i make it clean and bright, i have to leave it when i leave the job.
Now awake in 1 am in morning. i am looking at the room , i have keep to myself, it was my space and also the space of my friend too, and we will be losing it.
i feel depressed at the thought, but i don't know what to do.
i don't like to be resticted, but technically, i was wrong.
please what to i do now.
i think i will miss my house and i think it is time, i buy an apartment.